Sorry, something's wrong about you [Cadmus & Gwyn]

Time: A couple of days after Dominic finds something "off" about Gwyn
Where: The EFA

The vagueness of the term off, used by his friend to describe what he had felt, when he had touched Gwyn, had left Cadmus a bit sceptical at first. Dominic had not been able to elaborate on the feeling, and if he had to be completely honest, it annoyed him to be burdened with figuring out what that meant. If it even meant something. A part of him had been tempted to decline the request. He was busy too, after all. Gwyn was not the only resident who had need of him, and since Dominic had seemed to take a liking to Gwyn, why couldn't he do it? Yet, Dominic was even busier, he was the leader of the EFA, and a lot of things depended on him. In any case, Cad had no wish to let his friend down; so of course, he had accepted. He would try help Gwyn. If she wanted help, of course. This he had told Dominic too; he would not promise anything.

He had spent a couple of days trying to figure out how to approach her. It wasn't as if he hadn't talked to her. The house was small enough that you would bump into each other occasionally. Especially now that she was back to sleeping on the couch. But: 'what is wrong with you', seemed a very ill-suited topic to bring up over dinner. It felt like something he would have to ask her about in private. And preferably worded differently. To say he wasn't used to reaching out to people were an understatement. He never did it this way. This was his only ethical standpoint when it came to his work. No one should be pressured; he wouldn't lure or force anyone. Letting a Nachon poke around your inner workings was not risk free. If someone approached him, sure he would accept. But even this just felt wrong. While he hadn't promised to "heal" her or whatever Dominic thought he could do, he had promised to try. And so, three days after learning about her "off-ness", her found her sitting in the living room one morning, reading.

"Good morning," he said to the room. He had planned on going to the kitchen to refill his cup of coffee, yet it seemed the perfect time to get his talk with Gwyn out of the way. "Gwyn, if you are not too busy, I would like to exchange a few words with you" He prepared the coffee while he spoke, turned on the machine and waited for it to brew. "And if you don't mind," He added, with an eye on the resident refugees, as always, scattered across the room. "I think you would prefer it to be in private." He certainly would if he was in her shoes. "Do you drink coffee?"

The day had been dreary so far, it had been overcast all day and Gwyn was sure that it could start raining any moment but at least her period had been gentle on her to such a length that she hadn’t needed the painkillers anymore that Dominic had confiscated. She did understand why he had taken them from her, but she was still a bit bummed out over the fact that if she wanted one she had to ask him to give her the medication, which meant searching him out and maybe not finding him if he had gone out. She didn’t have his number either so she couldn’t text him to ask permission to get a pain killer from wherever he had hid them, not that he would probably appreciate her texting him for such a thing. He was busy with other and more important things after all.

What also bugged her was that Dominic had seemed to be a bit more absent ever since she had walked in on him, shirtless. Just thinking about it, and the dream that had followed that very night, made her cheeks start to glow. She felt ridiculous, her brain and body were behaving as if she had never seen a half naked man before. Gwyn had seen plenty of half naked men, and a handful of naked men too. Just why did Dominic have to affect her so much that she became a puddle of blushing i-have-never-seen-a-guy-shirtless-goo whenever she thought about it. Sure, his upper body had looked… sculpted by a God, if she had to be really honest. She had been bluntly staring at him for a few seconds before her common sense had started screaming at her to get the hell out.

If Gwyn closed her eyes, she could still see it all before her in sharp detail. His sculpted muscles, the pectorals that seemed too perfect to be reality, that distinguished v that had led to whatever was hidden by his jeans and… Oh for fucks sake! Getting lost in her own mind again, she had started conjuring up thoughts again that she shouldn’t have. Hoping that no one paid her any attention, she mentally slapped her cheeks a few times to snap out of it and tried her very best to concentrate on her book again.

Seated in the chair next to the couch, with her legs curled up underneath her, Gwyn tried for the third time to read that page where she had left the story last night. The story itself had been captivating so far, it was about a young woman going back to her hometown after her life had somewhat blown up in her face. Her relationship, her ex staying at their apartment which meant she was basically homeless, her employer letting her go because they had to cut on expenses and her savings non existent. But a day after she’d been back in her childhood home, she had fallen into a hole that was underneath her late mother’s favourite oak tree, only to be transported to a broken kingdom full of magic. Gwyn did love her books to have a touch of magic, ironically that she should have magic of her own now too, mixed with a bit of reality.  

She was near the halfway point of it and couldn’t wait to see how the relationship between the girl and the… Hold up a freaking second. Gwyn frowned, putting her bookmark between the pages. The male main character was secretly a prince, but everyone knew him as the rebel leader.. No that just can’t be.. How could this be a coincidence.. How could she ever paint a picture of him not without thinking of Dominic. Silently groaning, she cast her eyes to the ceiling. Great, just freaking great. Not wanting to lay the book aside, because the storyline was still too good to stop reading it, Gwyn removed her bookmark and tried for the fourth time to continue reading. Hoping she would let the prince be the prince and not conjure up Dominic whenever he was in the scene.

In the background, she heard some murmuring of people exchanging good morning’s and she absentmindedly muttered one herself too. Suddenly hearing her name, and not having yet registered the voice that had called out, she quickly looked up. Her heart had started beating a tad bit faster and stupidly had hoped it would have been Dominic that had called her out, but it was Cadmus who was looking at her and talking. He… He wanted to exchange a few words? In private? Oh shit.. Shit, shit, shit! That didn’t sound like it could be good news.. Were they going to send her away? They wouldn’t, would they? She knew HQ was full, but she thought she hadn’t been that much of an inconvenience… Nervous sweat started gathering on her hands and Gwyn knew she wouldn’t be able to utter a word so she just nodded. Closing her book –and forgetting to put her bookmark in it– she rubbed her hands on her sweatpants in order to wipe the sweaty moisture off them.
‘’Where do you want to talk?’’ She managed to ask after she had silently cleared her throat, only to suddenly remember that he had asked her if she drank coffee. ‘’Eh, sometimes but I am more of a latte person so I have been mostly drinking tea the past week..’’ She honestly answered but she was sure that any kind of caffeine, either coffee or tea, would work on her bladder when she was this nervous. She’d probably have to pee within ten minutes.

The speed with which Gwyn reacted to hearing her name, made Cadmus feel a little sorry for having to disappoint her. While he poured the newly brewed coffee into a coffee pot, he sent her an apologetic smile for not being Dominic. Then, she seemed to panic, and he realised that his wording had made it sound like she was in trouble. Maybe she was, but probably not in the way she imagined. And so, he tried with another smile, this time reassuring. Her nervousness did rub off a bit, but he tried not to let it affect him.

"If you'll just come with me," he said, as he grabbed an extra mug in the hand not holding the pot. She might not want anything to drink, but it felt rude not to offer her anything. He didn't have to make sure whether she followed. He could feel it. The amount of nervous energy she emitted was enough of an indicator. So, he strode down the hallway, turned the corner and presented her with his room, and well, office. He turned down the doorknob with his elbow and entered.

It was a small, rectangular room. And crowded. To the left stood his bed, neatly made. At the end of that stood an old wardrobe, the dark wood doing very little to brighten up an already dark room. The window at the opposite wall was halfway blocked by the brick wall of a neighbouring building, but the other side let in a faint light. Not much. But enough to make the turning on of any light superfluous. The right side of the room was taken up by a bookcase. Displaying books about various topics, though most prominently philosophy, history, religion, and warlock magic and energy. Some of which varied in their degree of illegality. On the floor lay on Brunesian carpet, a little worn down in the middle, leading to a mahogany desk, that had required an object transportation zeal to get inside the room. On both side on the desk was a chair.

He had tried his best to make this his home, he thought, placing the mugs and the coffee on the table. There were plants in the corners by the window. Important for air quality, he had been told. And the walls were plastered in papers. Drawings, maps, news paper cut-outs. They were reminders. Of who he had been, and what he had become."Sorry for making this so formal," he said, as he made his way around the desk, as always making sure the drawers of it was securely locked, "I had no intention of alarming you. It's just–" He paused, cutting himself off, then sighed. "Dominic asked me to talk to you about something."

At Cadmus’ request to follow him Gwyn jumped up from the couch and hurried after him to wherever he wanted to talk. He led them to the hallway, giving her an inkling as to where he wanted to have this conversation. She saw the door to Dominic's bedroom to her right when she walked around the corner, and her traitorous mind went right back to her walking in on him and his naked upper body. Stop, Gwyn willed her mind, there are more important things to think about than that stupid boy scout and his naked torso. As Gwyn followed Cadmus to the door at the end of the hallway, she watched him open the door with his elbow, seeing that his hands were full with a coffee pot and a mug. She hadn’t seen his bedroom before, and she had to admit that she had been kind of curious what Cadmus’ space would be like.

Entering his room, she immediately started looking around. Gwyn dared to say that she was not disappointed by the look of his room. It was a bit darker than she would have liked her own room to be –Gwyn loved natural warm light– but it gave her academia vibes that also made it feel a bit cosy, by lack of a better word. The room might look smaller than it was, because of the more robust furniture and all the dark colours, but it worked. Her eyes landed on the bookcase on the right side of the room and Gwyn took an involuntary step towards it. She kind of wanted to know what kind of books he’d keep. She scanned a few of the titles but most of them were unknown to her. Maybe it was time to broaden her literary horizon. Gwyn also saw some books that looked like they were about magic, and that did pique her interest a bit. Would Cadmus lend me these if I asked nicely, Gwyn wondered. There might be something in there that could help her in a better way than her instructors had.

The sound of the mugs being placed on a hard surface got her to pay attention to Cadmus again, but her eyes wandered to everything that was visible on the walls. Are those maps, slightly squinting her eyes in an attempt to see some more details. When Cadmus started talking, she quit staring at what she thought to be maps and gave her full attention to the man standing by the desk. The nervous energy from before hadn’t gone out of her body, but her mild curiosity had temporarily pushed it back and with every word Cadmus said, it started coming back. Dominic had talked about her with Cadmus? Oh no, this could only be bad news. Even though he just said that he had no intention of alarming her, sirens went off in her head.

She had only been bickering with the man ever since she had first set foot at HQ, not to mention that she ended up needing his room for two full days and she had walked in on him… He must have been severely fed up with her, he must be wanting to be rid of her… He…
‘’He asked you to send me away didn’t he?’’ Gwyn blurted out, realising too late that she had said her thoughts out loud. ‘’B-but.. I-i know that I am a constant eyesore and that it was inconvenient for him that I had to use his bedroom because of the migraines and.. And I know that I maybe should have knocked the other day but I thought he was out! I swear I didn’t mean to do it! I just wanted to get the painkillers to stash them in my suitcase because I had forgotten them!’’ Her word vomit went on and on with giving herself little room to take a breather. Some would say she was a bit hysterical, but truthfully who wouldn’t be a little hysterical when they were on the verge of being somewhat evicted?

When he sat down, he briefly noticed Gwyn looking around. As it happened with things you stared at every day, the maps, along with all the rest of the artwork and wall deco, had become a part of a background, one you tried to make yourself notice, more than you actually did. Yet sometimes they would catch your eyes anew. And serve as the reminder they had always meant to be. This was one such time, and it brought a small sad smile to his lips. His words had gotten her attention, and his own too returned to the matter at hand.

Once more he realised the duality of his wording, and how it must sound to Gwyn, and he regretted not being more upfront, when she started to panic. He wanted to calm her, but the continuous stream of words coming from her, made it hard for him to interrupt. Whilst waiting for her to finish her panic, maybe not very nicely of him, he poured himself a cup of coffee and leaned back a bit.

"Surprisingly, he didn't" Cadmus confessed, opting for playful, rather than mean. As a matter of fact, Dominic had made her an even bigger inconvenience. No, that was unfair. Dominic was just being kind. Even if the kindness towards a complete stranger such as Gwyn, was surprising due to the given situation. He was even unsure whether Dom was in any way mad about Gwyn walking in on him half-naked. This wasn't something anyone had discussed with him. He just got these flashes of a shirtless Dom, whilst Gwyn spoke. All these emotions really did make his powers more unstable. He would have to investigate that later. "You can calm down, no one is kicking you out just yet." He added the last comment only partly as a joke. It was not as if he expected her to be in trouble, but he wouldn't rule it out completely. "I was actually asked if I could help you. When Dominic touched you, he got a sense of-" He paused, trying to figure out a better way to phrase it, "Well, something didn't seem right. Maybe something to do with your powers? Do you have any idea as to what he might have felt?"

A part of her felt very relieved now that she knew that Dominic hadn’t asked Cadmus to send Gwyn away. His tone suggested nothing malicious but she wasn’t quite sure how to interpret it. Cadmus was hard to read, in her opinion. Whenever she saw him around she hardly could guess what the man was feeling or thinking. Even during the meeting, where chaos had taken over the reigns, he had kept on being calm and collected. Even showed her kindness when she knew in hindsight that she hadn’t deserved any of it. However, him being here must mean he was a Nachon warlock or anything else of value, which ruled out Gwyn’s outrageous theory that Cadmus might have been some sort of cyborg or even a more celestial being.

Even though Cadmus told her that she could calm down, the fact that he said ‘yet’ at the end of his sentence was enough reason for some panic to stay in her body. She could still be sent away if they needed or wanted her gone.. Worrying her lower lip with her teeth, she tried to will the panic away. You’re good for now, she encouraged herself, no need to panic of eviction. Surely if it came to her having to leave, they would tell her in time so that she could find another place of refuge. Though Gwyn highly doubted that there was a place she could go where they wouldn’t rat her out if the Godia came by asking questions. Going home was also very much out of the question, she’d rather end up in prison than ever bring danger to her family.

At Cadmus’ words, Gwyn gave him a questioning look. Someone, and her guess was Dominic since Cadmus mentioned him too, had asked him if he could help her.. But what could Cadmus help her with, that was her question. Listening intently to his words, she tried to match it with her memories. Ever since arriving, Dominic had touched her hand twice. The first time had been on Wednesday, when she had accidentally cut herself because she had been distracted. Which was still totally Dominic’s fault. The second time had been on Monday, when she had tried to get her painkillers from his room. Apparently, he had told her on Wednesday that she couldn’t have painkillers on hand but she couldn’t remember him ever telling her that. So when she had tried to leave his room with the box of painkillers in her hand, he had stopped her by grabbing ahold of her hand and the box. Her painkillers stayed in his room. Gwyn, on the other hand, had gotten an eyeful of his naked torso up close and some dreams of which she had wished they had not plagued her sleep.

Cadmus telling her something hadn’t felt right according to Dominic when he had touched her was a jab to her heart. She knew he didn’t like her but to say something was off with her, something she already knew, was a bit harsh right?
‘’Honestly,’’ Taking a deep breath to calm herself a little more, she sat down in the chair in front of Cadmus’ desk before continuing, ‘’if he felt anything, no matter how small, that’s more than I have ever felt.’’ The murmured confession brought a colour of shame to her cheeks. Having to tell someone she didn’t really know that she was faulty wasn’t exactly something she liked to do, but it seemed like she had to tell him. ‘’Apart from the alleged burst of power last year, which I don’t remember but caused me to be tested, I haven’t had any manifestations since nor did I ever feel anything that would result in me doing magic. I feel the same as I had been practically all my life, utterly human without a lick of magic.’’ Toying with a loose thread of the hem of her shirt, she let her eyes roam his room again. Gwyn felt little to see his expressions, if he showed any to begin with. Even though the chance might have been small, there was still the possibility that he –like almost everyone else– would think her a fluke.

As Cadmus was then to discover, something was indeed off about the Gwyn girl. And it turned out she was somewhat aware of it too.

He took a sip of his still very hot coffee while he listened to her confession. Maybe confession was too strong of a word, but it nevertheless felt like one. This was, he realised, some sort of public secret. Idés had told them, when he had brought Gwyn to the EFA meeting a week prior, that she had trouble manifesting her powers. Which had gotten her into trouble in the first place. Yet she still seemed embarrassed about it. Her words did suggest an even bigger issue, than a slight struggle. If she hadn't felt anything at all since. It was a curious thing. In so many ways Gwyn seemed too ordinary to be a resident at the EFA. Her entry with the ton of luggage, the romance books and the introduction as a uni-student and lab assistant all gave off a sense of normality. It was not hard to believe that she was just a regular human being, with a regular human life. Had it not been for this confession, her flaw or whatever you would call it, she would have seemed to whole and unbroken for living among such a sad group of people. Yet here it was.

"Dominic is a Nachon warlock," Cadmus explained kindly, "we have a certain connection to the human spirit. It might explain why he felt something when you didn't."  

He took another sip of coffee, then inquired; "Alleged burst of power?" Suddenly very attentive. This awoke a sudden interest in the case, and he was unsure whether he had met or heard of anyone like her before. Probably. But he couldn't recall any examples. Alleged implied that she herself was unable to verify it. Interesting. Last year was rather resent. "You are sure you have no idea what that involved? Is it normal for you to experience memory loss? What did they tell you at the testing?" Had someone erased them, a Nachon maybe? Did her memories still exist? Had they ever existed? He wondered if Dominic had known any of this. If so, he owed him a thanks for setting him on the job. This was almost the reverse of what he usually did. He kept his voice as even as possible; it was better if she did not feel like a fascinating experiment or mystery.

Even though she could not read Cadmus’ expressions, she was fairly sure the wheels in his head were turning because of what she just told him. Her being an oddity must fascinate him , if he agreed to help her on someone else’s request. That Dominic was a Nachon warlock somehow didn’t really surprise her either, someone who built a safe haven for Nachons must be one themselves or have someone close to them who is one. Cadmus saying ‘we’ instead of  ‘he’ also confirmed that he was a Nachon, too.
‘’So you guys,’’ mulling about how to formulate her next words, she fell quiet for a second or two, ‘’you’re able to,’’ she stopped talking again, just thinking about the fact that Nachons have a connection to spirits and that she has been living with ten of them the past week made her mortification rise, ‘’feel a spirit? As in emotions too?’’ Not for the first time since she had entered Cadmus’ room, she felt her cheeks heathen to a point where she thought they’d never go back to her natural skin colour again.
‘’Or is it just with physical contact?’’ Gwyn really, really hoped it was the latter because otherwise she would rather fling herself out of the window than return to her couch, knowing that every single person at HQ had been able to sense her emotions, even the more rowdy ones. The idea that Dominic had sensed that she found him attractive sometimes, even though he was an annoyingly stupidly tall boy scout, was enough to want to die on the spot, she wasn’t religious at all but for this purpose she’d turn towards the first and best god or goddess who could struck her with lightning.

Her words about the ‘alleged burst of power’ that had been described to her as so seemed to pique his interest. Before she could elaborate about it, Cadmus fired a series of questions to her. She blinked a few times, going over the questions once more before formulating her answer as best as she could.
‘’The people from the test centre told me about it. All I remember from that night is that I was having a good time at a party with my friends. I might have had a bit too much to drink but one moment we were just dancing and the next moment there was chaos everywhere. People were trying to get away in panic and since I didn’t know what was going on I just followed anyone else outside and guessing that the party was over, I went home.’’ Still fidgeting with the loose thread, she pulled on it a bit before continuing with her story.
‘’The next morning, some people came by my apartment. Saying I had to go with them to the test centre because eyewitnesses from the party had witnessed a burst of power coming from the dance floor just before the chaos had started. I guess everyone present at the party had been tested, but I think I am the only one who got a result that wasn’t expected.’’ A mirthless laugh left her lips, thinking back on the ice cold and sinking feeling she had when the person who took her test had read her results.
‘’I don’t really think I am prone to memory loss, except for that night and that I have no memories from before the age of six. My parents, who are both humans in case you’re wondering, told me that I had gotten lost as a kid or something and that it had been quite traumatising for me.’’

For his last question, she had to think really hard about what they had told her. It suddenly hit her that apart from remembering how she felt, she did remember little of all that they had told her and the testing process. Biting the inside of her cheek, she avoided looking at Cadmus before answering his last question.
‘’I don’t remember the process,’’ Gwyn confessed, ‘’I only remember being picked up and how I felt when I got the result.’’ The more she thought of it, the weirder it got. How could she not remember the test itself but she did remember being told the result and everything after that was quite foggy too.

Cadmus was holding the cup with both hands, as he watched Gwyn blush asking a question. "Depends," He answered, the simple truth. A bit more comfortable now they had started talking. "I can tell what you are feeling and thinking right now," He paused, letting one hand fall away from the cup as he took another drink. He was a bit entertained, but also surprised at himself for this harmless fun, intentionally being dramatic. "But I am fairly certain I could do that without any powers." He added, deciding to be honest, then hastily continued; "I don't know about Dominic or the others. It's not really a thing we discuss." He furrowed his brow for a moment. "Bigger problems you see." He said this light-heartedly, but their current situation was far from easy. "I don't think you should fear anyone poking too much around in your mind." Which was ironic considering what he was yet to propose. Not that the thoughts she wanted to keep to herself needed much digging. He thought it would be rather mean to add, but her emotions and thoughts about Dominic were by-products he could do without. He did try his very best not to intrude. "Just beware that very strong emotions can sometimes be sensed." Again. This was something that non Nachons could do too. Was she aware of how easy she was to read?

Then she told her story. And he listened interested. He knew about the test centres, but only very little. Those things were death sentences for nachons. If they let you go, they would add you to a neat little list of suspected criminals. He had never really had the need to go near one. Still, Gwyn's story was interesting. Something bad had happened. Something that had caused panic. And Gwyn might be that something. Putting down his cup and reaching for a notepad and a pen he asked: "You don't mind, do you?" But it was a rhetorical question, and he had already begun taking notes. He paused. No memories before the age of six. Could some trauma supress her powers? Probably. Did the memory still exist?
"I am sorry about that." He said, and meant it. Whatever had happened to her when she was a kid. But also, about the test centre experience. Something about it made him uneasy. But that might just have been his own distaste for the centre to begin with.
"You don't remember the process itself, interesting." He murmured as he jotted it down. Maybe they had done something? He couldn't see why, but it was too early to rule out any possibilities.
"And you haven't had any luck with finding your affinity?" Another rhetorical question. Unconsciously he bit the end of the pen as he thought. This could definitely be classified as a mystery. Maybe it would be easy to solve. Or maybe he had found something to take his mind of dead princes.

"Well," he said, at last, hesitantly, still not wanting to promise anything. "I might be able to help you out."

Gwyn was pretty sure her already red cheeks were flaming by now. The mortification she felt could just shallow her up whole into a black hole and never release her. She knew she didn’t have the best poker face and that she kind of wore her feelings on her sleeve but was she really that… obvious? Not wanting to hear from Cadmus what her exact feelings and thoughts were, with or without power, she tried to tune to the more important parts of the conversation they were having.
‘’Is there a way though,’’ Gwyn started when she thought a bit more about her mind being able to be read –minus the mortifying details of just now–, ‘’to learn to shield your feelings and thoughts from everyone?’’ If so, she’d be glad to learn so that she would never again find herself in a situation where someone else unwillingly got access to her mind. Cadmus knowing her thoughts right now was harmless but it still made her want to crawl into a hole. Imagine if she were to know something vital and people could just poke around when they wanted to without her knowledge. The idea alone gave her shivers.
‘’Can Godia do that too?’’ The question had rolled off her tongue before she had even noticed it, referring to the mind reading ability. If they were able to do so, then it made any less sense of why they had come back to question her a second time.

‘’No strong emotions, got it.’’ She murmured but honestly it was easier said than done. Gwyn had never been the best at hiding her emotions, especially when they were strong. Annoyance, anger, sadness, happiness. Give her a cause and she’d show it clearly. Maybe that was also why she and Dominic didn’t get along so well, they both showed their annoyance towards the other without regard.

After she was done talking, more than she had expected herself to tell him but the words had just rolled out. It was a glimpse of her old self, in a way. The girl who loved chatting with her friends and being social, spent her free time hanging out and finding new places to eat. Her heart ached slightly for that more carefree girl, the only worry that she had was finding a job she’d love and her piece of trash ex. How she had changed in contrast to that girl. Sure, she was in some ways the same but she didn’t –couldn’t– chat with her friends anymore, as they were all busy and practically had been avoiding her ever since the party, she wasn’t as social anymore because people treated her like she had some kind of disease, she didn’t hang out with people anymore but rather locked herself up somewhere without people so they couldn’t get to her, she also hadn’t find new places to eat because all she did was takeout.

She missed her old self, more than she had realised. When Cadmus asked her if she minded that he wrote down some things, she just shook her head. If it helped him with whatever he was trying to find or uncover, she was fine with it. Saying ‘thank you’ with a soft and somehow forlorn voice when he said he was sorry about her lost childhood memories. Sometimes, she pretended that she had some. Gwyn would make up events in her mind and acted like they were memories, but when she tried to focus on the actual thing there was one blank space, devoid of the warmth and laughter that childhood memories were supposed to bring.

She felt like she didn’t really have to answer his musing about her not remembering the process at the test centre. It could have been because she had been nursing a hangover that caused her memories to just be gone.. But she wasn’t really sure that was the case. To his next question, she shook her head once more.
‘’My instructors tried every method they knew with me, some even became frustrated and upset with me because they never seemed to work. They wouldn’t say it to my face but I am sure they thought I was either a fraud or a hopeless case of faulty warlock.’’ Shrugging, she looked out of the window of Cadmus’ room. What an awful view, came across her mind as she looked at the building that was next to HQ. It was so close that if you opened up the window and reached out, you could easily touch the brick of the other building.

A bit lost in thought, Cadmus’ last words didn’t hit until a few seconds later. I might be able to help you out. Gwyn’s gaze snapped to the man before her, her eyes the size of saucers as she went over his words again, making sure she heard him correctly.
‘’You can?’’ She croaked, not daring herself to feel it too strongly but it started to grow with rapid speed the more she repeated those words in her head. For the first time in a long while, she felt hope.

Whether or not it was a possibility for a person to die from embarrassment was unknown to Cadmus, but he still feared for the wellbeing of Gwyn and her burning cheeks. She really did not have that much to be ashamed of. Most people were easy to read. Some easier than others, of course, but still. Besides, it was not the first time Dominic had inspired wandering minds. But Cadmus could not blame her for wanting to keep her thoughts to herself. Additionally, he would not mind it a very great deal if some of her thoughts, especially those regarding his friend, remained private to her mind only.

He waited in silence until she had finished talking. Shaking his head at her questions; later. It was easier to explain it all at once he thought. A lot of it was intertwined anyway. When she was done, and expectedly looking at him and his offer to help, he decided that 'later' was now.

"Yes, at least, I will try to help you." The absence of a promise was very important to him. But already she looked so hopeful he was afraid to let her down. "Before that, I will try to answer the questions you had." His coffee was no longer scalding when he took another sip. "You asked me if there is way to shield your emotions and thought." He glanced at the words on his notepad, having written her question down. "And that," He said, "depends on quite a lot."

The sun that shone through the part of the window not blocked with bricks cast a dull light over his right shoulder, illuminating dust particles in the air and an otherwise invisible stain on the dark wood of the desk.

"From everyone?" He continued. "No. I am afraid that isn't possible. No one is that powerful. But– if you are asking if there's a way for you to control what thought and feelings you share–" Pausing, he cut himself off. The pen in his hands formed meaningless figures on the notepad as Cadmus tried to formulate an answer in his head.

"There are two ways to, as you said, shield your mind. Or spirit if you like." He said, when he began talking again. The pen now lay motionless on its own. "It might get technical, but stick with me, and feel free ask questions." He sent her a smile, apologising in advance, then took a deep breath. "The classification of warlocks and their magic has been the subject of countless discussions throughout the years, but it was once, and still is in many places, accepted that there are five main classes of, I apologise for the phrase, pure warlocks. Pure is here referring to the overlap in affinity between a warlock and one of the deities, known in Delianism as, the Elementals. I expect you probably already know this: Dicstian is the god of water," while he spoke, he counted on one hand. With the other he pointed at book-torn drawings of statues hung around the room, depicting the gods. "Elios the god of fire, Kosna of air and Vexta of earth." Four fingers. Four images. "Some people believe that our world is made out of these four elements. If this is true, the fifth element can be viewed as what created life. The definition of 'life' has also been a subject of great debate. But I won't bore you with that too, so you'll just have to trust me." Still holding up four fingers, he slowly continued: "Iosta is a very interesting deity. She has been a lot of things through history, as you very well know. I said 'life', but you could call it conscience, the mind, or spirit. Whatever it is, the thing that makes us human– this is the fifth element." Now displaying five fingers, he let his hand fall. "Godias, as you called them, the Illomarian term for warlocks with the ability to control the four physical elements, are also limited to these. The physical elements. Don't let this fool you into thinking they are blind to your thoughts and intentions. Godias are taught how to read your verbal and nonverbal ques. Only, they are not relying on magic to do so, and they do not affect your spirit."

He made a face emptying his cup, it's content now cold. "If you want to shield your spirit, you are doing so to keep out the warlocks of the fifth element. Let me preface this by saying that it is very hard for an element to resist being manipulated. You see, the world is full of energy. This energy has a purpose, it is part of a cycle. A fire Kirsha manipulating fire is doing a very natural thing. The energy of the fire wants to be used. When you are experiencing strong emotions, and especially when you are letting yourself be controlled by them, your spirit is acting in the same way. I feel it reaching out, almost begging, wanting to get rid of some of the energy. This is when I get a glimpse of your mind and whatever you are thinking. This is how Dominic got the sense that something was off when he touched you. This is what you want to avoid." His tone was serious. It was a serious topic. But extremely interesting.  

"In the same way that it is possible to intrude on someone else's spirit with magic, it is possible to shield yourself this way. As I am rather sure your affinity, whatever it may be, lies somewhere apart from the spirit, this is not a possibility for you. And luckily, this is not the only way. Just the easiest." He poured himself another cup as he spoke. "Controlling your emotions is a difficult thing. But it's not impossible. If you really want to keep people out of your mind it is possible. This is the second way. It isn’t about not feeling. But about not letting those feelings control you. Don't let them be something they are not, and they will not have the power to betray you. It takes a lot of practice to be completely shielded. And as I said, I am not even sure if such a thing is possible. You don't need to master anything like that if all you wish is to keep your thoughts about half-dressed rebels to yourself.  

You might wonder why – and if – this is important. But as you might have guessed the issue with your powers lies buried somewhere in your mind, and I need you to understand what that means.

My affinity is the spirit. And therefore, I think I might be of help. It's not as simple as just poking around in your brain. I could do so of course, but I am afraid the is risk of you dying before I learn anything of value is not insignificant. So, I would prefer a different approach if you don't mind. Any questions?" He finished with another smile.

The faint warmth of her cheeks lingered slightly even after Cadmus had said he would try to help her with whatever her situation was, Gwyn was pretty sure that by herself she’d never find out what was wrong but with Cadmus they might just find it out. Hopefully. Even though she still wasn’t that keen on her being a warlock –because the idea still was just too weird for her to comprehend fully– she secretly also wanted to know what kind of warlock she’d be. They had categorised her as a Kirsha and her knowledge was adequate enough that she knew that she could then either be a fire, water, earth or air kirsha. She had once, months before, let herself imagine what her element would be. Air had taken her fancy, but so had water. With water she’d think of herself as a mermaid, with air she’d think of herself being able to fly like winged and ethereal fairytale creatures.

Her interest piqued again when Cadmus started answering her questions. A naive part of her might have hoped that it would be a matter of training her mind to be able to shield others from getting glimpses and entering but Cadmus’ answer suggested it might not be so easy. She would never be able to shield it from everyone, that was kind of a bummer but at least she would be able to shield her mind from some people someday, which was more than nothing.
Interesting, I never heard any of my instructors referring to the mind with the word spirit, to Gwyn spirit was another word for ghost usually. An invisible entity that might either be lost, friendly or malicious. Never before had she heard someone talk about them this way, so she tried even harder to soak in all the information Cadmus was giving her. Even though he said she was free to ask questions during his explanations, Gwyn was hoping to be able to save her own new questions for when Cadmus was done talking. She didn’t dare interrupt him and therefore also interrupt her own concentration. She took no offence when Cadmus used the term ‘pure’ to describe the five classes of Warlocks.

She did know about the deities, if more from fairy tales than actual factive lore. As a kid she loved fairy tales, stories about gods of old –even though she was not religious– and the adventures the children of those gods went on. She still was sure there wasn’t anything ‘greater’ or that the deities were really there but she was not here to discuss whether deities were real or not. She was here because Cadmus was gracious enough to help her on Dominic’s –sort of– request. However when he started talking about a fifth element, she raised an eyebrow. That was new to her. Maybe that had been part of the religion she never had been taught.  Secretly Gwyn was glad that he kept the so-called debate about what life really meant that he mentioned short, it was indeed something she wouldn’t fancy to discuss as she and Cadmus might just have a different view on the matter.
Okay so, basically the fifth element is life itself then, she concluded for now. Later on she’d ask him if her thought was correct or not.

Hearing that Godia’s weren’t able to infiltrate her mind, or to hear her thoughts somehow lifted a weight off her chest. That was one good thing then, but their sharpness to read a person through their training still made her a bit uneasy.

What she got out of his further explanation was that the only type of Warlocks that she possibly could learn to shield her mind from were the spirit types, Nachons like Cadmus and Dominic. What she had learned in school was that there were two types of spirit warlocks, but it had eluded here what the other one was. Warlocks and all that wasn’t really a subject that interested her as a teen, so she didn’t pay that much attention during the classes. Which was a shame now, she felt like she lacked so much knowledge about the whole subject.

Once again felt like it was easier said than done, regarding not letting her feelings take control. Her cheeks went aflame again once Cadmus said the words ‘half-dressed rebels’, since she knew exactly to whom he was referring. Not sure if it was meant to be a jab or not, she simply decided to let it slide. Still to her dismay, she did have to admit that Dominic was quite fine and that she was sure other people here fawned over him too. Not that she was fawning over him herself, she simply thought that he was fine… Nothing more.

The last part of his explanation she mulled over a tad bit more, her issue was probably a problem of the mind according to him. For a second she felt confident that he could find out the solution to that problem with a little digging around, as intrusive as the idea sounded but when he said that she could potentially die if he went snooping she quickly wiped the idea of the imaginary table. She might not be at her happiest, far from it actually but she had no desire whatsoever to die while trying to discover what might be wrong.

When he wrapped up, asking her if she had any questions, it felt like her head was filled with cotton balls. He had given her so much information in one go that her mind had grown fuzzy because of it. I might just ask him to write it all down for me, she pondered before thinking of any question she might have regarding every thing that he just told her. The most important question popped up first, any other inquiry that she might come up with would have to wait until later.

‘’I have many, but this might be my most important one so I'll ask that first. This different approach you speak of,’’ finally letting go of the loose thread of her shirt, she intertwined her own hands and settling them on her lap before resuming to ask her question, ‘’what does it entail exactly?’’

A part of her wanted to confess that the mention of the chance of her dying if Cadmus went poking around had spooked her, but she wanted to hear his other approach first before she basically was going to tell him she was a chicken shit.
‘’How do you propose that I train my emotions to not be the boss of me,’’ was her second question, ‘’they often get the better of me. My parents always said that I feel fiercely but I never understood what that meant until I got older.’’ The first time the real meaning of their words had dawned on her was when she had failed a test during sophomore year in high school. Gwyn remembered herself basically crying over her bad mark, feeling so extremely disappointed in herself and sad. Later on she had felt ridiculous for being so sad and disappointed over one failed test. She still wasn’t sure of her feelings being that strong often was something good. When they were positive, she guessed it was a good thing but anger, sadness and such feelings.. Nah, those weren’t healthy if amplified by herself.

Cadmus had known that some of the information he had just given Gwyn would be foreign to her. Or at least highly suspected so. Although his own public education had ended prematurely, from what others had told him, the iostanitarian propaganda had rendered a lot of it useless. At least when it came to knowledge about warlocks. He supposed it was easier to control people if they did not understand themselves and their powers. Easier to maintain the view of Iosta as someone greater. His mention of the fifth element had puzzled her, he had noticed as much, and that too was not unexpected. Normally the spirit element was viewed as removed from the other four, or as two different classes all together. He disliked this, however. Despite everything proclaimed by the Enferi, they were not at all very different from Nachons. Two aspects of the same thing, balancing each other out. At least in a perfect world.

This world, however, was far from perfect. Firstly, he had a feeling that Gwyn would not appreciate it if he spoke aloud these thoughts. He was well aware that his lecture about energy had already gone on a bit too far, without him diving into his issues with iostanity too, and he did not think it fair to test her patience. She had been given a lot of information already. Secondly, someone had probably hurt this girl once, without her knowledge. Memories did not just disappear, as someone who made them do so, he should know.

When she asked him about his suggested approached, he picked up his cup to buy himself time. With a slight frown he inspected her over the rim, taking a sip of the second cup of the meeting. Maybe he hoped the answer would somehow paint itself on her face if he stared long enough. That he would be able to, literally, see through to her brain and get some answers. Either way, he got nothing out of it, and set down his cup. "I am not quite sure yet," He confessed with a shrug. "Normally I work with removing things from the mind. Not restoring them." The destruction of his work was ironic, he knew, not without bitterness, considering his unofficial title. It was ill-fitting. Gave people a false sense of security and hope. It was a mean reminder. Yet, he had been taught better than to complain, so once again he kept the thoughts to himself.

It suited him well that she wanted to try something less invasive. Even if he was not sure what to do. Since he had had no luck trying to think up a solution, he tried to talk one up: "Although, I think we might be able to find out whether the memories still exist somewhere, or whether they are completely gone. It is likely that something could have happened, a result of the accident maybe, which results in your powers not working as they should. I am not sure it will work. But it's a possibility. It will require a bit of preparation from your side though. So, we won't be able to do it today." He paused, replaying his words to figure out what and how much he had said. Somewhat slower he continued: "I want you to try to remember as much as you can. About your early childhood, about the testing. Anything you know you should know. Spend some time trying to recall these memories as clearly as possible. Write them down. It is a lot less risky for me to look into your mind if you know what to show me. This way I might be able to sense peripheral memories. If there are any. Does this make sense?" He noticed he had picked up the pen again and had been tapping it lightly to the notepad as he spoke. The awareness of the action made him stop. Self-discipline, he reminded himself. With his work, he could not allow his mind to wander, nor act unconsciously. It was better to always be aware.

"Self-discipline," he said, echoing his words to himself. This was the unsatisfying answer she was looking for if she wanted control. "Well, that at least is part of it. Millions of books have been written on the topic of self-help or whatever you would like to call it. Self-improvement maybe? A lot of them can teach you good lessons. But none of them can solve your problems. In the same way, I can't say anything that will make it easier for you to control your feelings. Not without action from your part. But I think the key to your privacy issue is this: you must accept your feelings. Whatever they are at a given point. Don't fight them. Don't feed them energy. In life you have very little control over very much. You cannot control your feelings, or thoughts, as you are very well aware." He said this with a knowing glance. If he embarrassed her enough, she might be motivated to do something. This was a mean tactic, but he was rather intent on preventing her from sharing thoughts he wouldn't be able to unsee. "We don't," He continued, "control our memories, urges, sensations. We don't control our minds. Or well. Not without magic. Magic makes everything a bit trickier. But my point stands. If we can't control them, why try? Acceptance is making room for all these things. If you are big enough to contain them, they won't need to escape. This is one way of shielding yourself." He finished his speech, then added; "I have a couple of books you can borrow, if you need something to read during your stay here. Actually, you are free to borrow anything really." He nodded to the bookshelf. If she really was interested, he was sure they could teach her more than he could.

Gwyn had a feeling Cadmus was stalling as he took his cup and took a sip of his second –when had he even finished the first one? – cup of coffee. The shrug that he added to his answer of not knowing yet what the other method would be, made her worry a little. If he always erased things then how sure are we that he can restore things too? It wasn’t his ability that she was doubting. Gwyn had a good guess that whatever Cadmus did, the removing, he was good at it but being good at one thing doesn’t always automatically mean you are good at the polar opposite too. His next words may have sounded like a sales pitch, if not for the fact that he did point out that the method might not work. At least she wouldn’t die from it, right?

Gwyn thought about her lost memories, if they were gone for good she might mourn them but you cannot really miss something that isn’t there. However, if they are still there somewhere in her conscience and only blocked by something then Gwyn would very much like to see if Cadmus was able to retrieve them. Whatever had happened to her might have been traumatic but Gwyn was sure there were plenty of warm memories to make up for it.

Her expression soured a little when Cadmus told her they wouldn’t be able to start this day, because now that her hopes were getting up a little she wanted to start as soon as possible. How am I to recall any memories if no method ever worked before, Gwyn thought grumbly, but she wouldn’t say the words out loud to Cadmus, yet. She had tried several self medication methods she had read up on, even went as far as listening to hypnosis videos to help you regain memories. Nothing worked.

‘’Okay,’’ is what she replied instead, ‘’I guess I’ll start tonight then. Is it okay if I borrow a notebook and a pencil from you? I don’t really have them on hand.’’ Because when she went here in a frenzy it was the last thing on her mind to pack. Another part of her wondered how disappointed Cadmus might be when she came up empty handed, or with memories that were lowkey useless. ‘’And,’’ she started, ‘’do you maybe have pointers of what I should try to remember regarding my childhood?’’ She felt a little bit ashamed for having to ask him because she had to do this without knowing what to look for regarding her childhood, the search would be like chasing a ghost. Clueless.

Self-discipline. Something that she did and did not have. Gwyn had no self-discipline when it came to ice cream or shopping or anything else that could make her extremely happy and now her stronger emotions too. Still, she listened like a straight-A student would to their teachers about what Cadmus was telling her.
Accept my feelings? Gwyn frowned at that, so I should accept my feelings over feeling like a failure too? There were plenty of things she was willing to accept, some with time but how should one ever accept their feelings of being a failure without falling into a pitch black pit of despair and self loathing? Maybe she also would –some day– accept that maybe she didn’t just think that Dominic was fine, but she was too bullheaded to think any different on the matter now and for the next forty years.

She did however appreciate his offer to lend her some of his books, and basically giving her free access to any of the books on the shelves. Later on she might just take a better look at all the titles that Cadmus had in his possession. Gwyn doubted that the man had a collection of juicy romance or fantasy novels but one would never know what kind of gems she might find. Maybe he had something on mythological history, or a book filled with lore about the gods and other mythical creatures.
‘’Thank you,’’ Gwyn said with a smile, quickly looking at the bookcase before turning her attention back to Cadmus, ‘’so when do you think we can start then? Tomorrow?’’ The sooner the better in Gwyn’s opinion but if she came up with nothing then she would not make Cadmus’ work any easier. Plus she might start stressing if her trying to remember things would turn out fruitless.

Could he really blame her for doubting him? Cadmus knew that it was a long shot, him trying to help her with her memory and all. But all things seemed impossible until they weren’t. Once he had thought it impossible to do anything but harm with his powers. Both experience and government propaganda had been effective in convincing him of the instinctual wickedness of Nachon warlocks. He was still unsure if what he was doing with them now was really the right thing. If all this messing with nature was not just as wrong. It was a self doubt he could not defeat with rationality. What was the rational thing to do anyway? No, it was a fear better left for sleepless nights and shared with a moonlit ceiling. Dominic had asked him to help, and he could do so. Would do so. And Gwyn, despite whatever doubts she might have, seemed to want his help too. He was capable enough, he thought, of turning off his conscience and letting his powers be a tool.

Something else bothered him too. If his work had taught him anything, it was that there often was a reason for not remembering. When people came to him, begging to forget, they had a reason. Gwyn might not want to know the truth. Whatever that might be. At least she had told him she had never been able to remember her childhood. It was not like, he reminded himself, if she had recently chosen to forget and now regretted it. Despite: wanting to know was her choice. And since he was certain the memory loss and lost powers were linked–

When she asked for a notebook he retrieved a very ordinary composition notebook from a drawer of the desk and handed it to her along with the pen he had been using. “If you dream about anything,” he said, “it might be useful to write that down too. Just in case.”

“I am not asking you to recall the things you can’t. I am sorry I didn’t make that clear. I want you to recall the earliest things you do remember. And we will work from there. Sketch out your childhood. As much as you remember. Do you have any pictures? Pictures can be helpful when you need to remember.” At this he glanced at the arks of papers and maps in his room. He had wanted to hang her picture too, but it had been too risky. Someone might remember her poster and recognise her. Instead of the girl judging him, it was her childish drawings of fairytales and happy families. He had had to cross out their names before displaying it, but the family portrait she had given him then he still had. I know, he thought, smiling sadly at the drawn girl.

It was as much to himself as it was to Gwyn that he said: “Your thoughts are nothing more than words. If you are telling yourself you are a failure because you are feeling like one, it’s the thought, not the feeling, that is harming you. Just words. You don’t have to give them meaning.” It was well meant, but he still felt himself shrink when he realised that he had reassured her on something she hadn’t spoken aloud. “Sorry.”

He drank some more of his coffee in an attempt to regroup himself. And it seemed to work. “I don’t think I have time tomorrow, and despite that, you might need a couple days to write as much down as you can. If you should suddenly remember something, you should pull me aside. Otherwise I’ll give you a nudge in a couple of days and we can continue, deal?”

Muttering her thanks with a smile as Cadmus retrieved a notebook for her and also passed his pen to her, she took both in her hands and let her fingers stroke the material of the notebook while she took in its looks. It was quite a simple notebook, dark in color and the cover was that shiny paper material. For a split of a second Gwyn thought about decorating the cover of it, using photos, scraps of text and coloured tape to make it pretty, but she quickly reminded herself that all those things were back at her dorm and therefore not here. So she wiped that idea of the table.

When Cadmus said to her to write down her dreams too, she shifted her gaze to him.
‘’Things that are relatable to my past, or all my dreams in general?’’ She asked carefully. Gwyn often did remember the dreams and nightmares she had. Some were pleasant, some were embarrassing and some.. some were not things she’d talk about. Gwyn wasn’t a prude, but she didn’t go around talking about the sexdreams she had. Maybe to her best friends she would have, but she hadn’t seen them since she had been tested. Idés was the closest she had to a best friend in a while but she wasn’t going to bother him with those things. Gwyn was quite sure he wouldn’t appreciate it. Her nightmares on the other hand.. Those were almost always the same. A pitch black and cold place, screaming and crying people whom she couldn’t see. Sometimes though, she’d see the silhouette of a kid in her nightmares but that was all. She’s had those for as long as she could remember, and never really understood why they came back. Gwyn didn’t suffer from claustrophobia, or fear of dark places. Neither had she seen a horror movie that related to what she dreamt.

To what he said next, she first nodded. Quickly trying to find her earliest childhood memory, which might just be sitting in her Grandmother’s kitchen when she was sauteing onions.
‘’I don’t have any photos of me now, or in my dorm but I might ask my mother if she can text me some photos. I am sure there’s plenty of those at home..’’ She didn’t dare go back to her childhood home, nor was she sure Dominic would let her go there. So asking her mother over text was her safest option. She could always tell her she was working on some project that involved childhood photos.

She slightly raised her brow as Cadmus started looking at the maps behind him. It made her look back and forth for a few seconds, wondering what the man might be thinking of when he was looking at those maps. Studying everything that was hung on the wall, she tried to see if she could pinpoint what he was looking at, but failed to do so.

Feeling her cheeks warm again when she registered Cadmus’ words. Had she been that loud in her mind? ‘’I guess I should be sorry, I cannot imagine what you must involuntarily hear all the time when other people don’t suspect a thing. I can’t promise I will quickly improve in the regard of my thoughts being that loud, but I’ll try.’’
Slightly bumped that they couldn’t continue tomorrow, she understood him too. There was no guarantee that she would be dreaming tonight. Except for her dream about Dominic –she’d deny it happened if anyone asked– she hadn’t really had either a dream or a nightmare yet. So Gwyn nodded, ‘’Alright, I hope I’ll be able to write some things down. I’ll send my mom that text too after this. Thank you, again Cadmus. I think you’ve done more for me in trying what’s wrong with me than any of the other people that were supposed to mentor me into becoming a warlock.’’ Pulling the notebook to her chest, she gave him a grateful smile.
Gwyn wasn’t still in possession of her earbuds she used to listen to music with, but she was sure that somewhere in this building –the part that was not inhabited– where she could sit quietly and think.